The White House spending five years keeping America’s youth from jamming brownies down their throats has been one of the more humorously tone-deaf actions the current administration has bumbled through. Couples across the country hate it enough when their significant other chirps at them to hit the gym. What makes the First Lady think the government is any different?

The latest salvo from “Let’s Move” comes in the form of an Internet video starring the two most powerful men in America taking a lap around the White House. Why straightjacket the dynamite duo when you could have had the Best Left-Handed Shameless Gunner-in-Chief and Joe Biden, who’s white and can jump, play a little roundball rock?

As DC’s most fit online politics/foreign policy news site blogger, allow me to breakdown our amateur runners against a true athlete.

Below you see POTUS and VPOTUS in their campaign speech running forms, which are awful for arches and knees.

They should practice Kate Upton’s flawless running form. See how she swings her arms and keeps her fists from clenching.

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These two look like they are Batman and Robin. And no, I do not know who is Batman and who is Robin. Joe also looks like he suffers from over-pronation.

Kate on the other hand lifts her knees as she runs. That provides maximum force from your legs. When you don’t pick your feet up, you’re wasting energy, which can hurt you in the long run.

It’s critical to stretch in any athletic endeavor. Don’t hyperextend your knee there, Mr. President! You can get plantar fasciitis from that.

Notice how each amateur runner is stretching their calves and not their hips. All that horse riding taught Kate well.

My main issue with this PSA is how water adverse the President and Vice President are. Moisture is the essence of wetness. And wetness is the essence of beauty. Uncle Joe isn’t going to get by on those pearly whites for much longer if he doesn’t hydrate.

Kate knows the importance of hydration.

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And look how she turned out.

When people say Washington is childish, I like to direct them to Google on the Sunday afternoon before Monday morning snow, when the search engine shows most people are asking, “Is the federal government open tomorrow?” When civic leaders are trolling weather reports more than their kids, our nation is all kinds of screwed.

It’s time we toughen up. Time we learn from those who are unafraid of the ice, the snow, the cold. Time we turn to Kate Upton.

Sports Illustrated

We can learn how to beat back the deep freeze from red-blooded American Kate Upton, who was the first ever Sports Illustrated swimsmoke to model in Antarctica.

Sports Illustrated

Kate ventured to the frozen continent, undeterred by the sub-zero temperatures. Meanwhile, softie-cone D.C. is holed up watching a “Star Wars” marathon, enjoying snow day drink specials.

Sports Illustrated

Because if there’s anything Washington is good at, it’s selling booze in the middle of a fabricated crisis.

Sports Illustrated

Assemble together in line like the penguins we are, Washington. And file behind our penguin queen.

Sports Illustrated

If we are to confront the Russians, we must first confront the cold.

Learn from Kate. Study her closely.

There’re three types of people I try not to trifle with. The police, for reasons that need no explanation. The Mexican cartel, as their brand of punishment is influenced with a certain macabre poetry.

The third would be SI’s lawyers. Because if they’re gonna do it, they’re gonna do it big.

TMZ reports:

Nobody photoshops fake nude photos of Kate Upton and gets away with it … a lesson the Sports Illustrated model wants to teach a joke website called Celeb Jihad.

The phony photo features a photoshopped pic from an SI shoot with the headline, “Kate Upton Naked Outtake From SI Swimsuit 2014.”

It’s clearly a fake … but Kate’s legal team doesn’t care — they fired off a letter to the site threatening to sue if the post isn’t taken down, STAT.

In the letter, Upton’s lawyer complains, “One of these photographs has even been airbrushed.”

SI understands the importance of brand management. You can’t have shady websites coopt the sterling multi-million dollar brand that is the SI swimsuit issue and parade it about as a cheap knock-off by grafting Kate’s face on another women’s knockers.

Especially when pics of Kate in states of undress are so plentiful.

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I can see why SI lawyered up. Celeb Jihad is the kind of site that makes you thankful that you keep your anti-virus software up to date. The site is chockfull of anti-semitism and lacks an ounce of common sense. Unless it was their strategy all along to pick a fight with SI for the free publicity. Like you, I never heard of them before they got served.

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TMZ ran the same play last year when it leaked a two-year old video of Kate topless on top of a horse to similar acclaim. The video was removed, perhaps because TMZ learned the same lesson that Celeb Jihad is learning now.

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You don’t mess with Kate.

Famed fashion photographer Peter Lindbergh spoiled the party last fall when he deemed the heyday of supermodels over. According to Lindbergh, the industry has become too stale and over-saturated:

“In 1988 everything was beautiful and glamorous, but there were these other women, they had balls, they had brains, they put their hair back and wore no make up, that was it. That was the change,” he said.

I don’t know if Lindbergh has opened an issue of Sports Illustrated’s swimsmoke mag in the last three years, but whether she’s in Antarctica or in outer space, Kate Upton has beauty, brains, and balls.

Now that Kate’s been named the face of Bobbie Brown cosmetics, a line that focuses on skin tone over how toned Kate looks in a two-piece, the world can’t help having to look above Kate’s neckline.

The only word that comes to mind when you think of Kate Upton: confidence.

Confidence.

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Nothing but confidence.

Sports Illustrated

If Lindbergh is looking for a model who’s beautiful and glamorous with balls and brains to boot, he needn’t look any further.

Most of all: She thinks of us little bloggers out there.

All of my @KateUpton @FreeBeacon posts have finally broken through http://t.co/4GLmOrtYYq

— Robert Charette (@_Charette_) March 21, 2014

I’m excited to meet you too, Kate.

Free beer.

Two greatest words in the English language.

Cube that and you get:

What’s better than one Kate Upton? I sure as hell don’t know. Or care.

All that matters is that three Kates are better than one and six is better than two. This miracle almost makes up for Vogue printing the outtakes from the “Bound 2” video.

The premise is simple. Kate is going to dance. According to her, she’s going to dance because that’s the only thing she knows how to do.

This here “War Mongering Kate Upton Blog” has accepted the thankless task of analyzing, dissecting, and cross-examining Kate’s dancing repertoire in order to put them into context. Think VoxDotCom’s contextualizing crossed with FiveThirtyEight’s data analysis. But for the stuff you actually care about. Like twerking supermodels.

• Kate’s Rawkin’ Face

Context: Kate’s trying to keep it chill, but her inner-rock star busts through her facade.

Seen: At public events where most supermodels keep it cool or mack with Michelle Rodriguez, Kate let’s it all hang out.

Uproxx

• Kate’s Awkward White Girl Swerve

Context: Most seen from people who are underplaying the fact that they can actually dance.

Seen: In between shoots where she has a crew of 15 all staring at her in case her top flies off. Awwwkweerrdd.

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• Kate Upton “At The Roxbury“

Context: On a dance floor with less-skilled two-steppers, it’s essential for the dancer to project a goofy facade to portray things like “fun” and “disarming attractiveness.” Two things Kate is an expert at.

Seen: While most supermodels would run right over us civilians, Kate has an air of approachability. Indeed, if you earn $200 million as a professional athlete you too could have a shot at sharing one charmed dance with her.

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• Kate’s Spirit Fingers

Context: A master dancer’s secret move to distract you from her feet.

Seen: In “Bring It On”

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• Kate’s Project X

Context: Kate Upton is fully operational booty-swerving battle station. She knows that. You know that.

Context: Like they say: a picture, or in this case, gifs…

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… say a helluva a lot more than I ever can. I’ll let Kate explain it to you herself.

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As in any statistically contextual endeavor, however, you can massage the data to draw your own conclusions:

Golf Digest selected the fabulous Paulina Gretzky, posing in a sports bra and a pitching wedge, to grace their cover in an effort to entice fans of golf and blondes to grab a copy and bettter learn how stroke their 3 wood.

Paulina Gretzky

Thanks to Paulina’s tasteful white sports brazier combo, this here “War Mongering Kate Upton Blog” was motivated to begin a new series: “Did Kate Upton Wear It Better?”

Kate Upton was last seen in a white two-piece in a clip previewing her first major speaking role in this month’s film, “The Other Woman.”

Did Kate Upton wear it better?

I’m with Vince Mancini at Filmdrunk: even the modern marvel that is Kate Upton may not be enough to overcome 90 minutes of Cameron Diaz and Leslie Mann fall over themselves for Jamie Lannister. But I have faith. I already have my tickets.

So gentle readers, “Did Kate Upton Wear It Better?”

Yes, Kate Upton did wear it better.

When news broke last summer that Kate Upton was smooching Jaime Lannister on the set of “The Other Woman,” I wrote it off as nothing more than a minor cameo. A brief role in a motion picture would be but a quick detour on Kate’s meteoric ascendance in the modeling universe. Kate was coming off of back-to-back SI Swimsmoke covers, and her name would add just enough juice to con youngsters to drop $12.50 for a crappy rom-com.

While the North American release is two weeks away, Kate is making the international press rounds. Unsurprisingly, she has dazzled the foreign media with her Hollywood glamour and sunny disposition. A recent interview with the Australian Sydney Morning Herald left me with a foreboding sense of awfulness to come.

“‘I was bitten a little by an acting bug so I took acting classes for two years,” she offers as evidence the move is more than a whim. ”Now I’m full in, I love it!”

Kate loves acting? Does this mean she will forsake her calling as this generation’s smokiest of the smokes? What Kate told the Aussie paper echoed comments made by a similarly bodacious blonde, who was also coming off of a SI Swimsmoke cove and who also looked to transition to acting:

I’ve always been interested in acting, but it’s something I never thought I could do. It was something I always wanted to study before I really, really got into it. I just got really lucky with this opportunity. I’ve auditioning quite a bit actually over the last few years, and was sort of afraid of the whole model-turned-actress cliche, so I kept it under wraps that I was auditioning. I went through the auditioning process for this role and got lucky enough and got it! It was the best learning experience, the best education possible.

That’s Brooklyn Decker speaking about her role in the 2011 Adam Sandler cash grab “Just Go With It.” In fact, Brooklyn is the only thing anyone ever remembers about the flick that mustered 19% on Rotten Tomatoes. This will jog your memory:

Kate and Brooklyn share more than just being blonde SI Swimsmokes sisters. Both are in movies that seem to have been filmed at the same beach.

Kate is unperturbed by the naysayers:

”It actually makes it easier when people underestimate you.” Beware of the dumb blonde exterior, she warned in an interview last year with Elle magazine. ”People deal with models like they are children. I’m always like: ‘I’m about to pull something over on you, and you’re so focused on thinking I’m dumb, you’re not even going to know!’ ‘

While I know Kate will succeed at anything she puts her mind to, she should examine Brooklyn’s path as a cautionary tale.

Brooklyn’s career didn’t quite take off as she probably thought it would when she found out she would be co-starring with Jennifer Anniston and Sandler. She lost out on the female lead for the sixth-highest grossing film ever and instead wound up starring in one of 2012′s biggest duds. The only bright sides: She avoided catching whatever strand of crazy Shia LaBeouf infects people with, and no one remembers “Battleship” was even a movie.

Brooklyn is currently nursing her acting career on a CBS sitcom, in which she is held hostage by E from Entourage on a show that’s not Big Bang Theory. They all look the same so I tend to lose track.

Brooklyn Decker Instagram

“The Other Woman” is directed by the guy who made “The Notebook,” a film every guy in America has been forced to watch at least once by a significant other in his life. You pray that the Gosling-McAdams magic is replicated with Lannister-Upton. But I remain doubtful.

The movie is also armed with a R rating. So it can’t be all that bad.

Did Kate Upton wear it better?

Since Kate already has exceeded Brooklyn’s modeling career by leaps and bounds, it’s not unreasonable to imagine Kate foregoing modeling to act full time. “Kate Upton: Movie Star” would beat out the iPhone as America’s greatest international export.

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Let’s just cross our fingers that Hollywood megastardom is a ways down the road.

They weren’t kidding when they claimed everyday is a holiday these days. April 8th is the date the White House circled on the calendar to wash away the happy afterglow of the NCAA men’s hoops championship and anticipation of the Masters with the crusade that women aren’t paid as much as men because Republicans. Dems are even trying to ruin Mad Men. Couldn’t Obama just have had #EqualPayDay fall on “Talk Like a Pirate Day” so we at least we can laugh at Dick Durbin clowning himself with his best Captain Jack Sparrow impression whaling against Republicans when he himself pays women like dirt?

“Avast me mateys, I am full of crap!”

I don’t understand why the Democrats are so gloomy all the time. Lost among the endless speeches and photo-ops are actual positive examples of an industry where women earn as much or exceed men.

Modeling.

International super smoke of legend Gisele Bundchen earned $42 million last year. Beux Tom Brady has earned $38 million his entire career!

Gisele Bundchen Instagram

Victoria’s Secret Angel Miranda Kerr scooped $7.2 million, dumped deadweight husband Orlando Bloom, and flashed her “Mile High Club” membership club all last year.

Miranda Kerr Instagram

Liu Wen, China’s first major supersmoke, banked $4.3 million last year. That would place her among the top 20 of the communist nation’s richest citizens. Something tells me Liu couldn’t make that much money at home.

Liu Wen Instagram

As the the first Latina ambassador for Estee Lauder, Joan Smalls clocked in a cool $3.5 million last year. Joan is actually ranked as the #1 supersmoke in the world on the supersmoke authority models.com. While my heart lies with a certain Floridian, I can see where the site is coming from.

Joan Smalls Instagram

Despite sitting out the modeling game and entering the mogul game, Christie Brinkley is still bringing the heat on the red carpet and at the bank. She’s worth $80 million.

Christie Brinkley Instagram

This here Blog’s favorite South African’s (apologies Madiba) salary of $3.3 million proves she needs no man. Take a hike, Leo.

Candice Swanepoel Instagram

While she hasn’t yet cracked the Forbe’s list of richest supersmokes, at only 21 Kate Upton has netted a threepeat for the SI swimsmoke cover and is making her major acting debut this month. 

Money aside, even Earth’s gravity can’t hold Kate down.

America reacquired one of her most treasured assets this week when Kate Upton returned from her international media blitz promoting “The Other Woman.” While the movie isn’t due at your local Cineplex for another two weeks, Kate has stayed on the promotional trail by appearing on Jimmy Kimmel last night, this time on her own terms.

For many 21-year-old neophyte actresses, international press tours are the first chance for them to venture outside the country. But, as we all know, Kate is not your typical rookie starlet. Back in her teens—which were only two years ago—Kate was on her catalog modeling grind, jetting back and forth to Germany twice a month. Her hustle was so hard, she’d fall asleep in the lobbies of her hotels.

One of the true treasures last year was House Majority Whip Kevin McCarthy Instagramming a photo with Rep. Fred Upton. It featured the most unlikely of cameos.

Happy 21st!

Kate happened to be in Washington last June; she was taking the elevator from her hotel gym and the doors opened to reveal the representative for MI-6 (Required James Bond MI6 reference here!). Rep. Upton was hard at work politicking and didn’t notice her, hence becoming the sole man on the planet to not recognize Kate Upton.

While her actual 21st was spent in the Capitol City with Uncle Fred, Kate celebrated her Name Day with “Other Woman” costars Leslie Mann and Cameron Diaz with many tequila shots, as every 21-year-old should. Hopefully, no balls were harmed in the festivities.

Kate’s already scaled the modeling mountain. The only way for her ascent to continue is to become an international brand and ruin a NFL franchise.

Kate’s already conquered the Forgotton Continent,

and Gravity itself,

…what battle left is there to win?

A quote from Kate Upton over the weekend sounded a CODE RED across the blogosphere:

“I wish I had smaller boobs every day of my life as I love to wear spaghetti tops braless or go for the smallest bikini designs. Every single day, I’m like, ‘Oh, man, it would be so much easier,’ especially if people didn’t constantly bring them up. If only they were a little more like… earrings. If I could just take them off like they were clip-ons.”

She wants to do what to what?

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Take it away, Skywalker.

After I was talked down from wandering into oncoming traffic, I had an epiphany. Or at least, a thought. Kate Upton floating the idea of austerity at the peak of her swimsmoke career is on par with Michael Jordan hanging up his sneakers after the 1993 NBA Finals.

MJ was met with similar sorrow/confusion/outrage when he retired from professional basketball after completing his first three-peat. Michael had already claimed his spot as one of the game’s greats. But it wasn’t until after we saw him muster up a .202 batting average, that he ripped through a second threepeat and was raised to his perch as the game’s G.O.A.T. MJ had to leave the game before he could be properly appreciated as the greatest.

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Let’s try to look at it from Kate’s point of view. Her proportions may interfere with her golf swing.

Quoting Bruno Mars, this here Blog thinks Kate Upton is amazing just the way she is. And quoting some rando philosopher: “If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.”

Since I’ve already statistically contextualizing Kate sweet dance moves, let’s consider Kate under austerity. It would open the path for her to run the full gamut of clothing options in addition to becoming, finally, a Victoria’s Secret Angel.

Of course, she already is an angel.

@FCidago Twitter

Kate’s only 21.

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Kate’s already the biggest supersmoke on the planet. She’s conquered lost continents and the Earth itself.

Perhaps like MJ, Kate needs a new challenge?

Because ‘Merica/rsvlts.com

Sports Illustrated swimsmokes are like snow flakes: each is unique.

That being said, anyone can see the similarities between Kate Upton and her swimsmoke sister Genevieve Morton. Kate and Genevieve may hail from different nations—although Kate’s home state of Florida often counts as a separate planet—but the similarities between the young swimsmokes run more than just skin deep.

MJ Day Instagram

Both have hung out with lions. Both have soothed savage beasts.

Both enjoy performance art.

While Genevieve may not sing in commercials, she does work it in the gym.

Kate is a world-class equestrian. Still, her skills on the baseball diamond are somewhat lacking. Maybe Justin Verlander could teach her something?

Amidst the whole “Harlem Shake” fad, Genevieve cut a Shake video of her own. She get’s the job done.

Not to besmirch Genevieve, but Kate has built her entire career on her happy feet.

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Both women are, um, healthy.

Kate has let it be known that she is considering austerity measures. Genevieve remains silent.

Perhaps most important: The SI swimsmoke sisters are better dancers combined than when they are on their own. You can’t manufacture that type of chemistry.

(Note: here’s the link to full video to better appreciate their skills and see why Kate would want to cut back spending.)

The year 1964 is etched in the history books for such monumental achievements as the Civil Rights Act, the Ford Mustang, and Buffalo wings. But let us not forget the golden anniversary of the Sports Illustrated swimsmoke issue.

The Travel Channel’s much-appreciated “Behind the Scenes” look at the making of the issue documented SI’s big 5-0 with the theme of “From Sand to Space.” Weirdly, that is also a summary of the plot of “The Phantom Menace,” a film that could’ve used some body paint. My bet for the swimsmoke most likely to fall to the Dark Side: Bregje Heinen, for refusing to sing “Happy Birthday.”

She could pass as a Sith Lord.

Sports Illustrated

Other models, like Irina Shayk, took more creative liberties with the classic diddy.

An Angel returning to the Heavens aside, SI’s 50th most memorable spread was when they assembled all their former cover smokes as a testament to the strength of the swimsmoke mag in the 21st century. The cover smokes hailed from across five nations. We were reminded that Stacey’s Mom was once a SI swimsmoke.

It took Emily Ratajkowski 15 hours to replicate Bar Refaeli’s classic ’07 guitar-pick bikini with body paint. As SI swimsmoke editor-in-chief MJ Day has said, the 50th anniversary issue is a tribute to swimsmokes past. (Note: Emily is wearing more in this image than she did in the legendary “Blurred Lines” video.)

I’ll let you compare the two for yourself.

While the glossed swimsmoke magazine release date on that blessed Tuesday in mid-February has become a national holiday, the tome’s production could also double as a National Geographic documentary, classic theme song and all. SI’s intrepid editors and photographers put Anthony Bourdain to shame as they venture into parts unknown to snag the finest swimsmoke photos modern civilization has ever known.

You don’t see Anthony Bourdain grappling with lemurs when he’s stuffing his face with Kazakh goat testes.

These desolate shoots can also be dangerous. When this hair stylist tried using Anne V’s head to break his fall, he almost ripped it off.

True to her newly minted American nature, Anne rallied from setbacks and executed the shot flawlessly.

Sports Illustrated

The Cook Islands shoot that gifted the world with this year’s cover was equally remote. It was so isolated, Nina Agdal and Chrissy Teigen lost their senses. This isn’t the Victoria’s Secret runway, Lily Aldridge!

Thankfully, they too rallied in the face of adversity and did their jobs to perfection.

Sports Illustrated

SI is not deterred by  gravity. History will debate what was more impressive, the Air Force sending a man to break the speed of sound or SI sending Kate Upton to her rightful place in the Heavens. She’s just pleased she’s not freezing her ass off in Antarctica this year.

I’m picking Kate. Chuck Yeager has nothing on her.

Sports Illustrated

Drink up, Kate Bock, you gals earned it.

Legendary photographer Walter Iooss Jr. has said the swimsuit issue has become “a Norman Rockwellian piece of Americana.” If you could sum up Americana in one GIF, it would be this one:

To 50 more years of the SI swimsmoke issue!

Kate Upton was always going to have to do more than conquer the Lost Continent and float in the Heavens in order to complete her quest for world domination. No, Kate’s perilous journey would involve her first major acting role, a challenge that has felled lesser swim-smokes before her. And yet, to the surprise of no one, Kate cat daddies her way through “The Other Woman,” and emerges victorious. “Other woman”? I think not.

“The Other Woman”‘s lead Kate Upton/WENN

Kate plays Amber, a twenty-something who falls for the inherent magnetism of Mark (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau), who has one of those ambiguous tech consultant jobs movies drum up to explain how a guy can make wads of cash while taking off weeks from work for lavish getaways to the Bahamas. Amber and Mike are enjoying a fabulous weekend in the Hamptons when Amber discovers, during her flawless beach jog, that Carly (Cameron Diaz) and Kate(Leslie Mann) are wrestling in the sand behind her.

That’s when the two older women drop the bombshell: Mark cheated on wife Kate with Carly, cheated on both Kate and Carly with Amber, and cheated the audience into believing an experienced player like Mark would allow his three slam pieces to find each other with such relative ease.

Nonetheless, Amber feels remorse for being an accessory to Mark’s adultery. That’s far different from Carly, who reacted dismissively when she discovered she was Mark’s piece on the side. Soon after, Kate absolves Amber of her sin, and the gals form a trio to get back at Mark. First, though, they enjoy a girl’s night  out, getting sloshed at Kate’s brother’s Hampton house, where Amber executes a dance we’ve all seen before.

Kate’s revenge on her husband is minor—she spikes Mark’s breakfast shakes with estrogen—and Carly’s plot to expose Mark’s financial schemes leads to nowhere. It is Amber who sinks Mark by hacking into his bank account and discovering his fortune is sheltered off-shore.

Therein lies the savviness of Kate Upton selecting Amber as her maiden acting role, and the huge problem with “The Other Woman.”

There’s an hour prologue detailing Diaz and Mann’s relationship before Kate Upton’s lead character is even introduced. The film starts with Diaz, whose character is a player in her own right, being angry at herself for getting suckered by Mark. Then Mann’s character has a breakdown when she learns of Mark’s creeping on the not-so down low, and freaks about possibly getting divorced, despite having no kids and Connecticut’s easy divorce laws.

Both the script and director Nick Cassavetes embarrass Diaz and Mann repeatedly throughout the film, depicting Diaz’s powerful lawyer as petty and conniving and Mann’s creative genius as woefully dependent on her awful husband.

The main source of Diaz and Mann’s characters’ drive to destroy Mark is their fear of growing old and alone in New York City of the all places, where it’s perfectly acceptable to be in your 40′s and unmarried.

Haven’t Carly and Kate ever heard of Tinder?

All of this, though, is flattering for Amber. What makes playing Amber such a good start to Upton’s acting career is that she aims small. There are relatively few lines for her to memorize, and her scenes are almost always with the other two leads. This allows Kate Upton to do what she does best: improvise.

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“The Other Woman” sells itself as a tribute to sisterhood and female empowerment, but that theme is undercut by the inability of Diaz and Mann’s characters, who are lovely in their right, to get over one stupid guy. The only actress who comes away from the film empowered is Upton.

Which makes sense. She’s the only reason any guy would sit through this movie anyway.

Because ‘Merica/rsvlts.com

We won’t know if America loves Kate Upton as much as Mr. Bunch and myself until the weekend grosses start rolling in, but the media intelligentsia has echoed Kate’s sentiment on how to deal with someone who displeases them.

Most reviewers share my frustration with the movie’s disrespect toward Cameron Diaz and Leslie Mann’s characters and are largely comfortable with Kate’s wading into the shallow end of the acting pool.

Let’s not kid ourselves, “The Other Woman’s” unsually buzzworthiness is derived from Kate Upton up on the marque. While we troll for your hardearned mouse clicks with Uptonomics (definition: explaining the statistical contextualization of one Katherine Upton) only to wash it down some solid GIFs.

Meanwhile, two sites engineered page views by appealing to the anti-Upton crowd, using headlines such as “Read Every Line Kate Upton Says in The Other Woman,” a weak attempt to prove Kate is nothing but a pretty face.

For every full-throated defender of Kate, there’s equally vocal seedy underbelly who claim Kate is only famous her assets. Not only is that wrong, it’s misogynistic.

They hate on Kate, vilifying her as nothing more than a blonde who spends heavily. We saw this last Friday when in light of Kate disputing rumors of her wanting to cut back on her spending, people rushed to crush her for complaining on how “hard” her life is.

Kate Upton has amazing boobs but the rest of her body is so ugly.

— Kasya (@KasyaJ) April 18, 2014

Kate Upton is complaining about how tough her job is

— Dancho’ (@BulgarianWonton) April 20, 2014

The haters fail to note she’s much more than a free spender.

They lose track of her golf skills.

Her flip cup skills.

Most importantly, her fearlessness.

Get used to it haters: Kate Upton is here to stay.

Because ‘Merica/rsvlts.com

Not only were Steve Rogers’s inherent traits of courage and sense of duty amplified when he became Captain America, so was his soft-spot for a pair of big blue eyes. “Captain America: The Winter Soldier” was helpless to resist Kate Upton and her Blonde Avengers, with “The Other Woman” socking Cap in the mouth, and finishing first at the box office in its inaugural weekend, racking up an impressive $25.5 million box office gross.

Because ‘Merica/rsvlts.com

Keep your head on a swivel in “Avengers 2,” Cap. Kate found your weak spot.

The Kate-starring vehicle cleaned up in foreign markets, collecting $12.8 million from 31 markets to finish for $45.3 million globally.

Because Kate’s dances require no translation.

Most importantly, “The Other Woman” succeeded in driving ladies to the cineplex. Audiences were 75% female with equal representation across the age demographics. When Kate speaks, women listen.

As hard as it is to believe, even a super smoke like Kate admits to E! Online that there are days when even she feels icky.

“Of course, I always try to live a healthy lifestyle, but that was my birthday week,” the Sports Illustrated model told me at last night’s Other Woman premiere. “So that was the least healthy I’ve ever been. I just turned 21.”

We’ve all been there, Kate.

After trying on acting for size, Kate slipped on something more familiar in a new shoot this weekend.

simplycelebstyles Instagram

Scoreboard, Kate Haters.

Hi haters/rsvlts.com

Kate may have had 50 lines of dialogue, but she has $25.5 million reasons why she’s better than you.

As DC’s foremost scholar in Kate Upton, I’ve crunched the data, ran the models, and have come to the conclusion that Kate’s future could look a lot like a video that dropped yesterday.

No, I’m not talking about living with two other women in an apartment with a lax dress code! I’m talking about following the path  of Brooklyn Decker.

When not presenting liberal talking points as edgy comedy, FunnyOrDie.com can actually be pretty useful.

They’ve figured out a way to make “Friends With Better Lives” watchable. Brooklyn’s video has amassed 145,073 views thus far, as Monday’s “Friends With Better Lives” only scored a 1.9 rating in the demo. I don’t know how video views equates into television ratings, but the only use of the show is that it has given me two excuses to write about Brooklyn Decker and clown on E from Entourage for sucking at football.

Brooklyn Decker Instagram

If that’s this lowly rated show’s legacy before it’s canceled, well, it could have done a lot worse.

FHM and Maxim were the Coke and Pepsi of the soft core scantily clad lad magazines back in the 90s and early-to-mid-2000s. Alas, the emergence of what Sam Jackson calls “one of the best pop culture achievements of the last 50 years“ and humble Kate Upton bloggers like myself have largely made the tired tomes obsolete. They now live out their remaining days by booking fellow relics of the past who are in the market for publicity.

The only use of the books anymore is for their annual “100 Sexiest Women in the World” rankings. FHM dropped theirs today. To sum it up in one word: WTF?

How in the Hell did Kate Upton fall 10 spots, from #8 in 2013 to #18 in 2014? You can blame the drop on FHM being published in a socialist country.

For example, here’s a couple randos who edged Kate out on the list. From what Google tells me, this is Helen Flanagan, better known as the bargain bin Kate Upton.

Helen Flanagan Instagram

I haven’t heard of Pixie Lott either. FHM tells me she’s England’s version of Britney Spears. They don’t tell us if she’s “Chaotic” Britney or “Oops” Britney.

Pixie Lott

All jingoism aside, the one Brit FHM slotted above Kate who I can roll with is Emilia Clarke.

Scarlett Johansson is only allowed to be ranked higher than Kate because she called a spade a spade concerning that whole Sodastream brouhaha.

I’ll also accept fellow SI swim smoke Emily Ratajkowski’s lofty perch. Emily has been on so many “Best Of” lists, I don’t even have to look how to spell her name anymore. Remember the silent “J!”

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Jennifer Lawrence being knighted the “sexiest woman in the world” is a stunner. Congrats?

Uproxx

The lesson from this episode is while FHM stood so tall back the day, it is the SI swim smoke magazine that out FHM-ed FHM by knowing how to adapt to the digital age. Take notes FHM:

There’s a reason why SI put Kate on its cover three straight years.

Your fun fact for the day:

WEIRD FACT: Callipygous means having beautifully proportioned buttocks.

— HuffPost Weird News (@HuffPostWeird) January 10, 2014

I’ve had that tweet in the chamber for nearly four months, waiting for the perfect opportunity to craft a blog post lauding callipygous donks, as well as allowing me to enrich your vocabulary. Now you can tell your office’s I.T. guy you’re learning something when peeks at your screen while you’re enjoying Kate Upton GIFs.

Speaking of that delightful devil, Kate joshed in the latest video from her ’14 SI swim smoke shoot how everyone focuses too much on her upfront spending and not enough on her other assets.

I know you savages are wondering what photo she’s referring to, so I’ll save you that Google search. Here’s the photo that accentuates her underappreicated asset. It gets the job done.

Sports Illustrated

While other unwashed Kate Upton bloggers go into heat every time she slips on a v-neck, we here at the WFB honor the Full Kate. We appreciate Kate inside and out, top to bottom.

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Her callipygous assets help her hunker down to milk cows. Milk did her body good.

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How else would be able to sustain that hula hoop if she was strictly business up top.

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She knows how vital it is to stretch to her assets strong and limber.

That’s how she keeps her flawless running form.

Don’t take her spending for granted, Planet Earth. Kate giveth, Kate taketh away.

rsvlts.com

You don’t know what you got ’til Kate ventures to new worlds to conquer.

It has to be rough being a young Hollywood starlet today. Social media and movie studios are in what appears to be an arms race between actresses and actors in who can chug protein faster to resemble fictional comic book characters. At least that’s what Amanda Seyfried admitted to in her new Elle U.K. interview that’s released just in time for Mean Girls‘ tenth anniversary.

Despite the pressure from outsiders and Hollywood, Amanda revealed the extreme beauty standards for actresses are changing, by an outsider no less.

“Thank God for Kate Upton,” the actress says.

We wake up every morning saying that, Amanda.

“She’s a supermodel. She has curves.”

Just goes to show Kate’s “It” factor in how a 21 year-old could impact Hollywood and the rest of America’s standards of beauty.

I tell the few anti-Uptonite friends I have that Kate’s unabashed sense of humor and fun is what makes her stand out from other callipygous models in the past. Translation: Kate has personality.

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Amanda isn’t afraid to have some fun too.

AP

“She’s like the new image of beauty and thank god.”

Kate gives a whole new definition to “leaning in:” ladies can be both beautiful and bouncy.

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Strong is the new skinny.  You don’t want to mess with Amanda.

Dougie-ing aside, Kate’s shown she’s able to transition onto the silver screen with class.

WENN

People in 2004 were discounting Amanda back when was known as the girl in “Mean Girls” who’s boobs told the weather. Today she’s a respected actress. Don’t count Kate out.

AP

She’s changing Hollywood from the outside.

Because ‘Merica/rsvlts.com

I didn’t imagine when I was assigned the Kate Upton beat last year that I would be learning about the fashion industry. However, I have discovered the sad truth: fashion’s taste makers view my beloved swim smokes as nothing more than Instagram chicks trawling for followers. However, the swim smoke who has been able to break that cycle is none other than Kate Upton. Kate really has shattered more glass ceilings than HRC.

You would think at first glance that Kate’s latest Vogue UK cover is just another trophy to add to her already decorated mantle. However, it shows Kate is transitioning away from Terry Richardson’s icky snaps and toward the the high art hands of Mario Testino.

kadieblaise Instagram

The so-called “taste makers” originally slandered Kate as nothing more than “a footballer’s wife, with the too-blond hair and that kind of face that anyone with enough money can go out and buy.”

Two years later and Kate proved the haters wrong, landing the covers of Vogue, Elle, and Vanity Fair. Those covers show real tangible evidence that Kate’s not your average swim smoke chick. She’s the real deal and finally Anna Wintour knows it.

rricheung Instagram

Kate’s induction into this upper echelon of fashion has not come without heavy scrutiny. Kate was honest about her trouble getting cast in movies while talking to Vogue UK.

It’s weird that in the press they’ll be like, ‘Your biggest fight was with the industry and the designers’, and I’m like, no, my biggest fight was with my agents, trying to get them to sign me into the castings.

“I thought, how I’m going to come out of this will be an example for girls.”

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When you try to fight Kate Upton Hollywood, you will lose.

rricheung Instagram

This brings me to a Guardian op-ed that asked if Kate is considered the standard for fashion now that she’s being embraced by the culture shapers.

I’ll be brief because I know less fashion analysis, moar bouncy Kate GIFs. But, traditionally, high fashion models have been more svelte a la Gisele Bundchen and Kate Moss. Kate being inducted into that club means that paradigm is beginning to shift toward more realistic ladies, which is the very example she strives to set for youth.

rricheung Instagram

Unfortunately, the author considers Kate’s popularity as nothing more than a cash grab by the magazines, being that her shoots in these mags are similar to her SI shoots.

Let us compare:

rricheung Instagram

Here’s her in SI:

WFB

Perhaps Kate’s being photographed this way because, as Testino is pull quoted, “Kate’s proportions take images to a different level.” High fashion photographers never experienced anybody before who could actually fill out a two-piece. Now that have someone with Kate’s talents to work with, they’re finally able to see how Walter Iooss feels at a shoot.

rricheung Instagram

Kate’s not the exception to the rule; she’s the beginning of the rules being changed.